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Monthly Archives: March 2010

So what is it like?

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So what is it like being transsexual?

Well for starters, let me quote this statistic that I heard. I’ve been watching a show called Transgeneration, which follows four college students through a year of life, all in different stages in their transitions.

Read from a newspaper by T.J. in Episode 6. “More transgender people are killed in hate crimes every year than all the other major targets combined, including blacks, jews, hispanics, lesbians, and gay men.” Wow. That is crazy!

So what else have I found out from this series?

Another quote I liked was from Lucas. I think in Episode 5. “Kasey and I have to live this nightmare every day, morning, noon and night. Neither of us asked to be transsexual, and both of us are going through horrifically painful and almost prohibitively expensive procedures so that we can one day achieve the type of normalcy in this world most people are born with.” Sometimes I wish I was able to explain things to others just to let them know that all I am trying to do is be able to live a normal (pick your own definition) life like other people. But I am not able to do so in this body.

I also learned a lot coming from the other side. Mostly the parents. As a parent myself, I can identify with Gabbie’s parents, who find it hard to let go of their little boy. The parents played a song that the father wrote years earlier where he sings, “my beautiful girls, and my beautiful boy”. You could see in their eyes that they were still struggling, even after the surgery and the outward acceptance. What if Kindil comes to me years from now and says, I want to be a boy KK. What will I do? Like Lucas’ father, I picked her name. I chose the spelling specifically because I wanted to avoid “ken-” in her name. I didn’t want anything boyish there. But, being transsexual myself, I hope that I would at least recognize the signs in her much sooner. There’d be less time getting used to her as a girl. But for now, she’s still my little girl.

And sometimes I think about the impact of what this will mean for her growing up. I mean no one will be able to take her to father/daughter dances. Who will walk her down the aisle when she gets married? Traditions that are so steeped in this role of male/female will be lost. But I have to be who I am. She will have a much better life experience with me being happy, comfortable with who I am, and confident, like I know I am when I’m presenting myself to the world as female.

And I think about some of the things that Gabbie’s sisters said as well. About Gabbie being self-absorbed. How all she talked about or cared about was her surgery. That she didn’t even know a single thing that had gone on in their lives over the past year. And I find that sometimes, maybe oftentimes, this is the case with me. Especially since accepting my own transsexuality. The sisters talk about how they hope Gabbie doesn’t just keep going on and on about her vagina. And almost as soon as the sisters walk in, she says, “I’m a real woman now!” You could almost see the sisters just roll their eyes. Having all the right parts for some is certainly important, but I think womanhood is much much more than just a physical thing. It’s definitely mental as well as attitude. The sisters also mention how they had really looked up to Gabbie as a brother. That made me think of my own sisters. I know that they’ve looked up to me as a brother over the years. However, I hope later, they can look up to me as a person.

And finally, the series makes me think about srs itself. All the literature I’ve read always talks about making sure you are REALLY really certain that that is what you want to do. Because taking T after transition won’t make your penis grow back. Apple said in one of the episodes, “If you are happy, then don’t change it.” And Gabbie’s friend Cate also gave similar advice before going for her orchiectomy. Cate said that she was concerned about Gabbie’s complete focus on her own personal surgery, that she didn’t give any thought to what it would be like afterwards, and that perhaps Gabbie relied a little too much on the idea that once she had surgery, she would be a woman and everything in life would be grand. There’s still an entire life to live after surgery. At least I have time. I think that I will probably get an orchiectomy first. Dilation after SRS is something you do after surgery until the day you die. Well maybe not the day you die, depending on if it’s in the morning, or on a non-dilation day, but you get the idea. I was testing myself to see how I well I would do in just getting my ears pierced. I couldn’t even stick to soaking my ears in salt water every day for four weeks. Four weeks !! That’s it and I couldn’t even do that !  How do I expect to dilate multiple times a day for months !  So I think about it. But I know that I will at a minimum go as far as getting an orchiectomy. But who knows. I may decide to go through the whole process. I know that right now, I still think something is wrong every time I sit down to pee and see something dangling there between my legs. It’s like I feel as if it shouldn’t be there. But I have lots of time to make a decision.

Well readers, lots of love. I hope you found something to think about.

Karen